The ‘anti-wake’ MAGA bank closes after mishandling, general suction

This “anti-awakening” bank called itself GloriFi, a portmanteau of “glory” and “financial blunder”, which justified its lack of awakening. No, that was the whole trick. It would be a bank for MAGA-type Republicans who don’t want to put their money in the bank unless it serves a flag-waving cultural anti-awakening bordering on gun-and-ammo, white nationalism. Among his appeals to the (ahem) Trumpy class, like Rolling Stone “It plans to offer gun owners home insurance, holster credit cards and discounts to help pay legal bills if customers shoot someone in self-defense.”

From this description you can understand what all the people associated with this new bank mean by “against the wake”. “Woke” means not shooting people you don’t like, and “anti-awake” means getting a discount on financial products if you shoot people you don’t like. No “America the Beautiful” song for this crowd – it was guns, guns, murder, and guns.

It turned out that this was not enough of a business plan in itself. The Journal He previously mentioned that his plan to make credit cards out of a metal shell turned into a big metal wow because the people promising such a thing didn’t realize that making a credit card out of metal “could interfere with security chips and potentially be too thick for payment terminals,” which is one of those science-type fallacies. Get it when your greatest brainstorming ideas revolve around “It’s going to sound like a good idea to people who think Donald Trump is the smartest president in history.”

Mind you, there were probably a lot of people out there who wanted a credit card-shaped object made from a metal shell and didn’t care if it didn’t function like a credit card. A lot of them are also people who like to pick up their Chipotle assault rifles so they can look scarier when the minimum wage cashier explains to them that the credit card-shaped paperweight doesn’t actually do anything. But there are not enough people like that to justify an entire financial institution, because they have already spent all their money on weapons. Their portfolio consists of stocks, not mutual funds.

However, there is a less prosaic reason for the failure of the Thiel-Ayers-MAGA startup. With a well written piece of journalism The Wall Street Journal last October Journal revealed that the startup already looks completely, uh, doomed. The startup ran out of co-founder Toby Neugebauer’s 16,000-square-foot mansion in Dallas, Texas. Journal‘s sources described Neugebauer as an executive who was often drunk, frequently abusive to employees and vendors, and rapidly losing the trust of investors.

If “anti-woke” means putting your money in the “bank” or getting out of the house of a belligerent rich drunk, it turns out that most people prefer “woke” above all else. Go figure! We won’t lie, it came as a bit of a shock to all of us who thought “handing over all your money to a rich drunk guy” was what conservatism was all about.

So that’s it. We have the material equivalent of a dead parrot. As recently as two months ago, fascist figure Owens was pitching this strange weapon-obsessed startup as something that would “surpass Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Chase and #Paypal very quickly.” Now it cooks like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Not that, you know, any of those who have been tricked into giving money to the “bank” will take a lesson from this. The customers this “anti-woke” bank courted were the kind of people who wouldn’t mind giving their money to a weird semi-bank set up in a belligerent drunk guy’s living room if it meant getting a potential discount on legal fees for shooting someone. . These are not people who learn “lessons”.